0 Comments, nPrev ++ profile visits

No one to read, no one to comment, no one interested, no one visiting the blog. Its me who is increasing the profile visit count everyday. every day peeking here to see some comments or number of visits.. Should i make it public ? no way!! its for me only (...is it really ?) but every artiste needs feedback....or am i with wrong ppl around ? its possible.."Being typical,common has its own pains, but being Different costs too"

HAPPRY FRIENDSHIP DAY, ALEX

ALEX ,

SHALL I CALL U ALEXANDER SUPERTRAMP OR CRISTOPHER MCCANDLESS ? IT IS SAID IN 'DR. ZIVAGO' “…TO CALL EACH THING BY ITS RIGHT NAME.” BUT DOES IT MATTER ? FOR ME U ARE “ALEX WITH THE HAT ON” OR “ALEX FROM WEST VIRGINIA” OR AS I JUST SAID 'MY FRIEND ALEX'. HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY, ALEX !! U WONT ASK ME OR U KNOW WHY I CALLED U MY FRIEND. JUST 2-3 DAYS BEFORE FRIENDSHIP DAY, I SAW U. U HAUNTED ME LIKE ANYTHING. ITS BEEN 10 DAYS, U R STILL HAUNTING ME. SO THE THING HAPPENED ON THAT FRIENDSHIP DAY. WAS WATCHING U, I THINK FOR THE THIRD TIME. N I REALIZE WE HAVE SO MANY THINGS IN COMMON. I DON’T THINK ‘BEING COMMON’ IS A KEY TO FRIENDSHIP. BUT STILL THAT DAY U SEEMED LIKE AN OLD FRIEND TO ME.

THIS LETTER IN UPPERCASE/CAPITAL IS JUST TO REMIND U, JUST LIKE U USED TO WRITE IN UR DIARY. DID U OBSERVE ONE THING ? I AM NOT A LEFTY PERSON, BUT I ALWAYS LIKED THOSE PPL. MY BLOG IS LEFT ALIGNED. IT IS LIKE THIS LONG BEFORE I MET U. JUST LIKE U, DIFFERENT ! YOU REMEMBER DAY NUMBER 23 IN MAGIC BUS ? U JUST WROTE A DASH (--)AGAINST IT IN YOUR DIARY. SAME THING HAPPENED WITH ME. ONCE I HAVE JUST LOGGED A DOT(.) IN MY DIARY. NOTHING TO SAY, TO WRITE, TO FEEL, A COMPLETE BLANKNESS.

DO U REMEMBER ON UR GRADUATION DAY PARTY, U SCREAMED “I DON’T NEED A NEW CAR” “I DON’T WANT A NEW CAR” “I DON’T WANT ANYTHING, THESE THINGS, THINGS, THINGS” THE SAME THING HAPPENED WITH ME. ONCE, FOR SOME MULTILEVEL MARKETING GUY ASK ME ABOUT MY DREAMS, LIKE CAR, FARMHOUSE, MONEY .. I WENT NUMB..MEANS I WAS SO DUMB, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. I BECAME SO MUCH DETACHED FROM THESE THINGS SOMETIMES. MANY A TIMES ALL THOSE PHYSICAL THINGS DON’T MAKE ME HAPPY. (YES I AGREE SOME EXCEPTIONS -CLOTHES AND MOVIES). BUT I DON’T WANT TO LIVE FOR MAKING MORE N MORE MONEY, THEN HEAVY PACKAGE, GOOD CAR , BRAND NEW FLAT, AND THEN SOME COOL SO-CALLED SOFASTICATED LIFESTYLE…ALL THESE THINGS, THINGS, THINGS..AND THE LIST GOES ON. I DON’T WANNA RUN BEHIND THESE NEVER ENDING LIST OF THINGS. I KNOW NOW NEITHER A GOOD PACKAGE NOR GOOD FLAT COULD MAKE U HAPPY, CONTAINT. I TOTALLY AGREE WITH U “MONEY MAKES PEPPLE CAUTIOUS .. I DON’T KNOW IF U WNT TO DEPEND ON MUCH MORE THAN THAT” WELL SAID ALEX OR “MY DAYS ARE WERE MORE EXCITING WHEN I WAS PENNILESS” ITS TRUE, I HATE CARRYNG MONEY ALL THE TIME . THERE IS SOMETHING OTHER THAN THIS I WANT. I THINK I KNOW WHAT ‘U’ WANTED, BUT DON’T KNOW ABT MINE. SOMETIMES I SEE U CLIMBING ON THE HILL NEAR SALTON CITY. ME ASKING THE QUESTION “WHAT THE HELL YOU RUNNING FROM?” AND YOU YELLING AT ME“I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION.EXCEPT I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER.” HOPE U COULD GIVE ME THE ANSWER !!.

DID I TELL YOU @ MY FAST LAST YEAR? USUALLY I DON’T EAT MUCH. I DON’T BELIEVE IN EATING MORE THAN U NEED AND WANT MY NEEDS TO BE AS LESS AS POSSIBLE. SO BEING GR8 CHICKEN ‘ADDICT’ I DECIDED TO OBSERVE COMPLETE FAST FOR 9-10 DAYS. NOTHING RITUAL, NOTHING LIKE ‘NAWAS’. SAME FEELING LIKE URS “THE CLIMATIC BATTLE TO KILL THE FALSE BEING WITHIN AND VICTORIOUSLY CONCLUDE THE SPIRITUAL REVOLUTION…” EVEN WHEN I EXHAUSTED WHILE TREKKING I FEEL THE SAME… “TO WIN THE CLIMATIC BATTLE TO DEFEAT THE SOFASTICATED, FAT, LAZY ME WITHIN.ME, POISENED BY THE CIVILIZATION”.

AND THEN COMES LOVE. I DON’T KNOW WAT WLD I REACT WHEN TRACY ASKED TO DO “SOME THING” TOGHTHER. THEN I RELIZE THE SAME THING. THERE ARE MANY THINGS WHICH ARE FAR MORE IMPORTANT,BEAUTIFUL,EXCITING THAN HAVING A SEX. I ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS. MEANS I ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE ONE OR TWO LIKE THIS BUT WHEN I SAW U REJECTING THE CHANCE AND SINGING A LOVELY SONG WITH HER. I FOUND MYSELF IN U. HEY ! THIS IS ME, WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE. SO PURE , SO TRUE. THANKS FOR THAT ALEX. WHEN RAINEY ASKED U “YOU PLANNING ON SEEING YOU CHILDREN” U REPLIED “I’VE GOT ONLY ONE PLAN”…AND ME SAYING “THAT’S A HELL OF AN INSIGHT .JESUS. U ARE NOT JESUS , ARE YOU ALEX ?” MY ANSWER COULD BE ‘OSCARS’ RATHER THAN ‘ALASKA’.

BUT U KNOW WHAT IS THE MOST SIMILAR THING BETWEEN U N ME ? “SOCIETY ..SOCIETY - THE CRAZY BREED. GETTING OUT OF THIS SICK SOCIETY. I TOO DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE, WHY EVERY FUCKING PERSON IS SO BAD TO EACH OTHER SO FUCKING OFTEN. IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO ME . JUDGEMENT , CONTROL ALL THAT, THE WHOLE SPECTRUM…YOU KNOW PARENT, HYPOCRITES, POLITIOCIANS, PRICKS, MANAGERS, CEOS, CELEBRATIES, NEWSWALAS, PEOPLE AROUND US.” IT ACTUALLY CUT ME APART FROM THEM. BUT STILL - GOT MY INDIGNATION BUT I'M PURE IN ALL MY THOUGHTS(GUARANTEED). APART FROM ALL THESE U JUST DON’T HATE PEOPLE. THE RELATIONSHIPS WITH RAINEY N JANE, WITH TRACY , WITH WAYNE , WITH RON. THEY ALL ARE JUST SO PURE THAT I WAS ALWAYS SEARCHING FOR THEM IN PEOPLE AROUND ME. SOMEWHERE IN MY FRIENDS , IN MY COUSINES OR JUST SOME HAIRDRESSER OR EVEN IN A VILLAGER. I HOPE I WILL FIND SIMILAR PEOPLE IN MY WAY. U MEASURE URSELF AND PEOPLE AROUND YOU BY A FIERCELY RIGOROUS MORAL CODE. SO DO I. THAT’S WHY PPL FIND DIFFICULT TO IMPRESS ME.

TO KNOW U MORE I STARTED READING TOLSTOY, BUT COULDN’T PURSUE IT LONGER. BUT STILL THE PART I KNOW THEM, I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THEM AND WITH U ALEX. “I HAVE LIVED THROUGH MUCH AND NOW I THINK I HAVE FOUND WHAT IS NEEDED FOR HAPPINESS.A QUITE SECLUDED LIFE IN THE COUNTRY WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF BEING USEFUL TO PEOPLE TO WHOM IT IS EASY TO DO GOOD AND WHO ARE NOT ACCUSTOMED TO HAVE IT DONE TO THEM AND WORK WHICH ONE HOPES MAY BE OF SOME USE THEN REST , NATURE, BOOKS, MUSIC, LOVE FOR ONE’S NEIGHBOUR. SUCH IS MY IDEA OF HAPPINESS AND THEN ON TOP OF THAT, YOU FOR A MATE AND CHILDREN PERHAPS. WHAT MORE CAN THE HEART OF THE MAN DESIRE ?” FAMILY HAPPINESS –BY TOLSTOY. I THINK THIS IS THE END, THE REASON, THE AIM OF YOUR LIFE… OUR LIFE. AND THEN U LEFT ALASKA. FOR ME THIS IS THE END OF YOUR STORY ALEX. I HOPE THIS SHOULD BE END OF MINE TOO, A SECLUDED LIFE. THAT’S WHY I CALLED U ‘FRIEND’, ALEX. ONCE AGAIN HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY !

-ME

(P.S. : I KNOW ‘U’ AS ‘ALEX/CHRIS’ IS JUST A CHARACTER POTRAYED BY DIRECTOR N WRITER SEAN PENN AND JON KRAKAUER. THIS COULD BE YOU OR NOT. BUT DOES IT MATTER ? DID U RELIZE THE GREATEST SIMILARITY ? “HE RISKED WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN A RELENTLESSLY LONELY PATH BUT FOUND COMPANY IN THE CHARACTERS OF THE ‘BOOKS’ HE LOVED……… HE COULD SUMMON THEIR WORDS TO SUIT ANY OCCASION AND HE OFTEN WOULD” IN MY CASE ITS ‘MOVIES’ RATHER THAN ‘BOOKS’. AND THIS TIME ITS U, ALEX AS A CHARACTER. ISN’T IT SIMILAR MY FRIEND ? )

There should be...

manasa bhandyala havit, war vyayala hava, natural calamity yayala havyat. tarach manasa samajatat. ekmekanvar var keleli manasa, ekmekanchye kapade fadanari, burakhe fadanari , nagadi manasa disayala havit. tarach manus kalato. nahitar happy vatavaranat burakhyachya aad laplela chehara kasa kalnar. konitari burakha fadayala hava bhandanane, bombspotane or war ne. tarach apan manasa nagadi hou, jase apan ahot tase disu! na sakharet gholanari, na mithit ghenari....sagali nadagi manasa jashi hoti tashi, jashi ahet tashi !!!!

This Love has got no ceiling !!!

Then I asked her “when I watched “Notebook” I remembered V, is this love?” she kept mum. Then sometime later I asked her “I feel good when V is around, is this love?” she kept mum. “I don’t LIKE any girl other than V, is this love?” She still kept mum. And now here I am, after 4-5 years of friendship. I care for her. I care for her relationship with some other guy. I am trying to save that. I am confident about her career, worried about her PG. I am watching her walking, holding his hands on their so-called-anniversary. I am watching her pretending like aishwarya from raincoat, trying to save block holes of their relations. I am realizing the respect for my emotions going down, down on low priority. I don’t remember what dress she wore, don’t remember her body, I didn’t feel anything :D , never had her in my wildest fantasies. I am seeing myself listening to their stories ,pretending to be interested and holding myself. Joking and creating irrelevant topics to make her speak. I am seeing myself wishing her on her birthday and their so-called-anniversary though she forgot mine. No ego, no masks, nothing!! Now I want to ask her “Is this Love?” For the first time I am confident. I know IT IS. I LOVE her. But don’t know whether she will keep mum as usual or …..

----trying to find the answer of the question 'NOT telling her the truth' i came across this..

This Love is beyond the study of theology,
that old trickery and hypocrisy.
If you want to improve your mind that way,

sleep on.

I've given up on my brain.
I've torn the cloth to shreds
and thrown it away.

If you're not completely naked,
wrap your beautiful robe of words
around you,

and sleep.

- rumi

There is GOD somewhere and There is EVIL too somewhere in ME !

deleted this post.... lost here... coward me won.. but will write it sometime.. too complicated